It feels as though it’s been forever. Probably because it HAS been FAR TOO LONG. I have a confession, I’ve been avoiding writing like the plague. I’ve been avoiding A LOT of things lately. It’s time I faced my fears. Dared wrestle my demons. To take the time to gently wash away the overwhelming oceans of emotions that have swallowed me into a dark hole.
Oh, y’all I have felt SO broken, SHATTERED into a million pieces that are STILL being walked on by thousands of feet. Slowly crushing each shard into the ground farther. I hardly know where to begin, this abyss of sadness is so deep and wide.
I get the whole part that God never promised “easy street” or that we wouldn’t feel pain, y’all I truly understand that, but this is OUT OF CONTROL! OK, yeah things could be SO much worse. Yes, there are SO many other people that have burdens that FAR outweigh my measly problems, and I wish I COULD help them but I’m useless to ANYONE in the state I’m in. I feel SO useless to myself, nonetheless my littles. Sign me up for “easy street” please!
Single mamahood is hard! I knew it would be. I knew He would get me through it. I knew I would struggle with so many different challenges, but what do you do when you feel like you have NO ONE? Like, “where the heck did everyone go?” Seriously, to the point where ya feel like maybe God kinda left ya hanging? That’s ME.
I’ve found myself in circumstances that changed in a way for the better, and yet it made things SO much more difficult. It’s hard enough living with a disability that others can not physically see and can’t understand, it’s even HARDER trying to ACTUALLY live and raise 3 littles on a disability income, so when child support started, I thought “Oh, Thank You God.” Oh, how wrong was I? God talks often about finances and income in the Bible, (I have yet to truly delve deep in to that subject, it IS on my TO DO list) and this IS such a struggle of mine. Do y’all struggle with finances? Is it a tug of war- what bill gets paid this week, bread or milk today, sorry kids, “no, mama can’t get you those shoes you need right now.” kinda game for you my friends? Or am I on this solo financial struggle bus planet out here? It just seemed like God and I were on this amazing roll. We had this connection. I had started to feel, I don’t know, a little secure, I’d say. Then BAM!! Whammy! Lose it all! I’m not sure what to do, how to do it, or if I should just cry like a baby. The last choice seems optimal most days.
If money wasn’t enough, (because if God is gonna give ya a mountain folks, you can bet it’s GONNA BE A MOUNT EVEREST) there’s this HUGE hole in my heart that I just can’t seem to keep sewn shut. Come to think of it, I never was good at sewing in Home Ec class in high school, maybe I should’ve listened closer because this tear is ripping me apart.
They tell me I’ll get to the top, I’ll overcome this mountain. I don’t know a lot about mountain climbing, but I DO know I do NOT feel sure footed on this crumbly, pebble sided mountain I’m attempting to climb. This mountain seems insurmountable. After 13 years together, it is so hard to say good-bye. And honestly, since it’s all my confessions, I didn’t want to say good-bye. I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t stop loving him, AND I still love him but… I HAD to leave, I HAD to say good-bye, it wasn’t a good place for me or the littles to be, but that does not make the pain less. I think it makes it worse. I just want things back one day and the next I don’t. It’s a friggin rollercoaster of yes/no that never seems to stop. And now things have changed SO much. So much anger, bitterness, words spoken and things done, I truly feel shattered. Literally sick to my stomach gagging because there is so much emotion and turmoil inside of me.
“Are y’all for real!” I just want to scream. “you think I’m gonna be ok, and get to the top of this mountain!” But THAT’S not what comes out. No. Those words are so much kinder. My words are harsh, shocking, hurtful and straight up anger being spewd out of my mouth without thought or pause. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, right? I don’t unleash on those near me that are encouraging me to keep going, my friends and family. No, they are safe. I unleash my fury on God. Yes, I’m ashamed to confess this, but it’s the truth. The words, the hurt and anger that I let out was all for Him! My Heavenly Father. I didn’t hold a thing back. I was ticked off and I wasn’t about to let Him think I wasn’t. This pain, this life, this living, wondering how I’m going to feed my kids…THIS IS NOT WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR! These are not plans for good. Plans for prosperity. What GOOD comes from starving? What GOOD comes from not have clothing, shelter, and everything this EARTHLY world says we have to have? What GOOD comes from a shattered heart? What GOOD comes from a SHATTERED mom? Where in ANY of this is there ANY PROSPERITY? Oh, these are just the nice versions of the words I screamed angrily & violently with tears running down my face, that night at God.
SHATTERED! Where had God gone? Why couldn’t He see my pain? Hear my cries? What had I done wrong? Why couldn’t I be happy? Why God? Why did I have to be in a million SHATTERED pieces all the time? Would my SHATTERED pieces never be put back together?
So alone. So bitter. So much anger. So many questions. So lost. So SHATTERED…