Breaking up is hard to do. Yep, they sure got THAT one right! But making up-with God- is SO NOT HARD to do.
Ok, ok, I didn’t stay all WRECK-IT-RALPH mad at the big guy for very long. And even when I was “MAD” at Him, I wasn’t TOO mad, cuz I never for a minute stopped reading my Bible every day, reading my devotions every day, and maybe they weren’t the same as before, but I still gave God a shout every morning, even if it was just to say good morning. My sisters have incurred more wrath from me when my anger has been unleashed on them, I mean come on! Although I had made my amends, apologized profusely and asked for His forgiveness for more times than was probably necessary, I knew circumstances weren’t going to change overnight. And guess what? They didn’t.
How do y’all handle disappointment? Heartache? Greif? I’m still so seriously on the struggle bus on this one kids. I feel like I’m constantly praying for myself in these areas, as well as the serious provisions that are needed, and I feel so GUILTY about praying for ME all the time. UGH, I’m fighting an uphill battle somedays. Some WEEKS! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want ya to think I ONLY pray for ME, cuz I don’t, but it REALLy feels lopsided on the ME side. Is that wrong? Am I being selfish? Should I be praying fo something OTHER than His help and guidance?
Everyday is a question for me. Will I have the money to get food today? Or to put gas in the car? etc. Every day is a challenge for me. Can I be stronger than the emotions? Overcome the weight that seems to pull me down? There are still more days than not, that it’s a losing battle, and that hurts more than ya know. But every little victory, I’m talking the tiniest of victories, is THE best feeling ever.
One day at a time, most people say, but here in my little side of town, it’s more like one minute at a time. Trying to push beyond that is futile. There’s not one minute that doesn’t go by that I don’t think about how I’m going to provide for my family. There’s not one minute that goes by that my heart doesn’t think about Grey, and cry a silent tear at all that isn’t anymore. Sometimes I wonder if God is keeping Grey so intwined in my life for a reason still. Far be it from me to know that reason, but I truly believe God ONLY has plans for GOOD for His children, so the emotional pain that is constantly being thrown at me from Grey & our lives being so connected still, CAN NOT be part of the GOOD plan of God, can it? Am I missing the message in the mess? I REALLY wish God would invest in some NEON signs, because I am NOT good at this whole reading between the lines, trying to figure out what God is telling me.
Here’s to rebuilding my SHATTERED pieces. To picking up what is left of me and making it work. To putting all the gunk and junk into one big glob and melting it together. To following God and His path for me(if ONLY He had a NEON sign or 12) I don’t know where I’m going or heck, how I’m even going to start, because today seems no different than yesterday. And yesterday didn’t offer a change in any of my needs or paths. No miracles came my way. I didn’t have anyone contacting me wanting me to speak at their event, I didn’t suddenly find a way for IGNITE to provide for my family AND provide for others. I didn’t feel peace in my heart, my soul wasn’t uncrushed from the pain. No, yesterday was just yesterday.
I PRAY today is better than yesterday. BRIGHTER than yesterday. I PRAY today the RIGHT people, the RIGHT paths, the TIMING, the PLACES would cross according to God’s will for my life, to lift up my life. To build IGNITE into ALL that He has purposed it to be. So that I may go out and Glorify His Holy Name through the gift of IGNITE. The gift He chose to give me. I PRAY that He would be the words on my tongue, the Spirit in my inspiration, the Guiding Lamp to my feet. I PRAY that today I be blessed with God’s loving hand upon me, that the provisions I have need of will be provided, the heartache, the pain, the shattered pieces will be healed. Through Him, Through IGNITE, ALL will be made new for my family. It is only through my Heavenly Father that I was given the gift of writing & the prophesy of IGNITE, and it is through Him & through IGNITE, I PRAY my purposes will be fullfilled, if it be His will.
In Jesus’ Name I pray,
Friends, I ask for your prayers, and y’all KNOW how hard it is for ME to ask for ANYTHING, so yeah, it’s kinda a big deal to me. It would mean the world to me, if y’all would just throw out some prayers for me, for my family, for IGNITE. Spread the prayer word, please. The power of prayer is UNBELIEVABLE!
Just know for now, I am working on rebuilding what I can emotionally. Trying to focus on the goodness of God. Reading as much scripture as possible… three littles, summer vacation, summer rec and just plain life do not ALWAYS add up to a whole lot of free time, but I’m doing it friends. I WON’T STAY SHATTERED! And with y’alls help and prayers, there’s no way God won’t hear the pleas of His people.
Y’all rock! Thanks for sticking around. I’ll try to stick around in the neighborhood and not be such a stranger. Sometimes, being like a turtle is a good thing, that hard shell protects me from A LOT of heavy, harmful stuff. But it also gives me an easy out. A perfect hide out from the rest of the world, so I don’t have to come out of my little shell, and in the end, that really doesn’t HELP ME. It sure does feel good to come outta my shell and be all honest with y’all.